I'm so angry. And crazy.Remember that whole New Year resolution bullshit I spouted off? Remember how I said I was going to try to be a better person and not be so angry ALL THE TIME (especially in the car)?
Yeah, it's two months in to 2012 and I have astoundingly failed.
Case in Point #1 - Scene: The Car
I have been called a small, angry person on numerous occasions. I know. I am a five foot, chubby, well-accessorized ball of rage. This is particularly true on the road.
The very minute I put that godforsaken key in the ignition, I am FURIOUS. No one goes fast enough, everyone is in my way, I take that VERY personally. I hate stop lights. I hate people at stop lights. I hate pedestrians. I hate the fucking ducks in the road all over the place by my new office. I hate those stupid ducks. Hate. The ducks. Maybe they're geese actually. I don't know, I'm not a duck specialist.
ANYWAY, ducks aside, it's people that I hate the very most.
Especially people who are idiots on the road and are going ridiculously slow or are making a turn where they shouldn't, or are in any way making my time on the road less convenient. And now, I have evolved from simply being frustrated with them and moving on with my day to being SO angry that when they eventually move out of my way and I pass them aggressively, I actually slow down. I hover as much as possible and stare at them intensely, hoping to make eye contact and show them just how ridiculous a driver they really are.
Does this work? Do you think that a small, deranged lunatic staring them down like some sort of white, corporate gang member makes them realize they should give it up and just take public transportation? Yes. I think that answer is yes.
Case in Point #2 - Scene: The Rabbit Cage
In college, our dorm (fuck FT! had to get that in here) was a half mile off UCSB's campus and therefore, had its own "fitness center". And I use quotes here, because the "fitness center" was really a small room with a treadmill and some sketch frat boy germ covered free weights. It was illogically (or maybe logically now that I think about it) right next to the dining hall. I think it was because it was small and dank and had treadmills, but we started calling it the hamster cage and then somehow that became the rabbit cage. I don't know why, but ANYWAY, that is precisely what the "fitness center" is like in the building where my new office is. Small, weird, no windows, fitness posters from the 80s hung on the walls (curiously, the building was built only a few years ago? someone had those posters archived?).
I am always the only person in the building's rabbit cage, and I love that. I blast Kylie and dance on the elliptical and happily sweat away carefree with all my fat hanging out because who cares? Only yesterday, while finishing up my cardio and making my way over to the weights, a HUGE lady barged in sporting jeans, a Cosby sweater and pookah (sp?) shells. Side note: Where can you even purchase pookah shells anymore?! Maybe hers were vintage.
ANYWAY, ugh, I hate myself and my meandering shitty story telling skillz, the enormous fashion plate wandered over to the weight section (four mismatched free weight sets precariously balanced on a stand that is falling apart in the corner) and began lifting. Then her pager went off (I wish I was joking) and she got on the ground and stared doing sit-ups. Which is about as ridiculous as it sounds.
Now. I know that I shouldn't judge this woman or her accessories or her choice in Costco jeans and Cosby sweaters, but this was just too much for me. I STORMED out of there after glaring for a few minutes and now am in a (one-sided) FIGHT with her. I fumed about it the entire commute home and I cannot stop thinking about her taking over the weights and if she is there today, I will just LOSE IT. On a poor, probably very nice woman who just likes the clothes at Costco, they're such a good deal, and likes to get a workout in while at work.
I have to stop talking about this now because I am getting angry again, and that wasn't the point of this rant.
Hope everyone else is doing better with their anger-management and resolutions.
xo d
Shallow and Very, Very Single
Workaholic, always drunk, terminally broke twenty-something dating neophyte, at your service
Thursday, February 23
d at 1:48 PM
Tuesday, February 21
some of my faves on repeat these days.
xo d
Wednesday, February 15
Here is what you have earned the right to do!
No? Just me?
- Skip the fucking gym
- Cry in the car
- Eat an entire large box of stupid conversation hearts (they have delicious new flavors, the greens are now apple and there is blue flavor)
- Consider vomiting said candy up
- Laugh maniacally over how funny puking hearts would be
- Rapidly start crying instead
- Drink bourbon. At midnight.
- Alone.
- Come in to work late today
- Purchasing fancy footwear you really have no business purchasing or owning
No? Just me?
Monday, February 13
...from a very bitter young woman.
Be it because I have a lot of friends who have been married in the past few years, or because I am fresh off the latest break-up (break down?) SIX DAYS BEFORE VALENTINE'S FUCKING DAY (not that I counted), but I am kind of amazed at all of the products that cater to being a married woman.
Yesterday, I was perusing the internets, looking for things toidiotically waste spend money on and came across this gem:
and then this product:
Really, Kate Spade? Maybe I just don't get it (I mean, I definitely don't), but I would probs punch my friends in the throat if they were the type to wear/use this crap. They're not.
I don't really understand our culture's obsession with marriage and the fact that many young women feel a certain satisfaction with just being married for the sake of being married. Shouldn't you actually be happy that you found this fantastic person to spend your life with? Isn't the point that you are committing to a life building a partnership with this person? Aren't you still your own person? Is he walking around wearing a "Mr" necklace or at all touting his role as a husband?
I mean, I guess I can see how some of this stuff is "cute" but I just really don't understand the impulse to need to brand your passport as a married woman. If I took that passport with case out on a business trip, I'm pretty sure I would just feel like a big asshole. Ditto for wearing the necklace, well, anywhere.
Am I the big asshole anyway? Am I a dick for not understanding this compulsion? Do I just not get it because I will probably never be married? Should I shut the fuck up and continue with my recent foray into laying in bed, drinking beer and crap wine, alone, while watching Alias on DVD?Also, I just ate Nerds for lunch.
So many questions, so little time. Also, I am incredibly bored.
Feel free to bash on this post in the comments.
xo d
Be it because I have a lot of friends who have been married in the past few years, or because I am fresh off the latest break-up (break down?) SIX DAYS BEFORE VALENTINE'S FUCKING DAY (not that I counted), but I am kind of amazed at all of the products that cater to being a married woman.
Yesterday, I was perusing the internets, looking for things to
and then this product:
Really, Kate Spade? Maybe I just don't get it (I mean, I definitely don't), but I would probs punch my friends in the throat if they were the type to wear/use this crap. They're not.
I don't really understand our culture's obsession with marriage and the fact that many young women feel a certain satisfaction with just being married for the sake of being married. Shouldn't you actually be happy that you found this fantastic person to spend your life with? Isn't the point that you are committing to a life building a partnership with this person? Aren't you still your own person? Is he walking around wearing a "Mr" necklace or at all touting his role as a husband?
I mean, I guess I can see how some of this stuff is "cute" but I just really don't understand the impulse to need to brand your passport as a married woman. If I took that passport with case out on a business trip, I'm pretty sure I would just feel like a big asshole. Ditto for wearing the necklace, well, anywhere.
Am I the big asshole anyway? Am I a dick for not understanding this compulsion? Do I just not get it because I will probably never be married? Should I shut the fuck up and continue with my recent foray into laying in bed, drinking beer and crap wine, alone, while watching Alias on DVD?Also, I just ate Nerds for lunch.
So many questions, so little time. Also, I am incredibly bored.
Feel free to bash on this post in the comments.
xo d
Thursday, February 9
I have been thinking a lot lately about relationships, how they mold you into the person you are as an adult, how you know so much more once they have run their course. How they can make you into a completely different person.
The young 20-something that stuck with a dying relationship for far too long, years and years, convincing herself that him just being hers was enough. It didn't matter that it truly wasn't what she wanted or, more importantly, deserved.
I am not that person anymore.
I always knew that deep down, but often, I have doubts, thinking I will always be the one that is too stubborn to give up on anything. A job. A friendship. A project. What could have been something great.
In the past year, I did find a great love and it did change me, yet again, and I felt alive in ways I had never experienced until then and I felt like Finally! I am appreciated for even the weirdest things I do (and there are many weird, weird things) and my biggest faults. I found a partner, someone who stuck up for me and cheered me along in all of the insane things last year brought.
And when, seemingly out of nowhere, things started to slip these past few weeks, and I was confronted with some of the feelings I felt at the end of my last relationship all those years ago, it was confirmed.
I am not that person anymore.
I'm not too stubborn to admit that this is beyond me. That it is for him to deal with and that I don't deserve to be dragged down - however much I want to stick with it and hope it will change. It won't. At least not right now.
In my 20's, I was the girl that should know better.
In my 30's, I do.
And I can walk away, incredibly sad but confident in that at the very least.
The young 20-something that stuck with a dying relationship for far too long, years and years, convincing herself that him just being hers was enough. It didn't matter that it truly wasn't what she wanted or, more importantly, deserved.
I am not that person anymore.
I always knew that deep down, but often, I have doubts, thinking I will always be the one that is too stubborn to give up on anything. A job. A friendship. A project. What could have been something great.
In the past year, I did find a great love and it did change me, yet again, and I felt alive in ways I had never experienced until then and I felt like Finally! I am appreciated for even the weirdest things I do (and there are many weird, weird things) and my biggest faults. I found a partner, someone who stuck up for me and cheered me along in all of the insane things last year brought.
And when, seemingly out of nowhere, things started to slip these past few weeks, and I was confronted with some of the feelings I felt at the end of my last relationship all those years ago, it was confirmed.
I am not that person anymore.
I'm not too stubborn to admit that this is beyond me. That it is for him to deal with and that I don't deserve to be dragged down - however much I want to stick with it and hope it will change. It won't. At least not right now.
In my 20's, I was the girl that should know better.
In my 30's, I do.
And I can walk away, incredibly sad but confident in that at the very least.
Wednesday, January 4
2011 was a very big year for me.
I went to Asia for the first time on an incredible trip and came back a different person. I turned 30. I had a job opportunity literally fall into my lap that I couldn't pass up. I fell in love (VOMIT, I KNOW). And the thing is, I knew that big things would happen last year. I was optimistic. I was ready for what the world had to throw at me.
So forgive me if I'm not quite as jazzed as I was a year ago. While it is just a year, and in the scheme of things, that is not very long, I have sat the past few days feeling anxious as to how 2012 could possibly top 2011. Being a pessimistic, anxiety-ridden person by nature, I can't help it.
I also spent yesterday riddled with the stomach flu, throwing up everywhere while my terrified boyfriend moved from room to room to clean up after me. Then I shivered in bed for four hours, screaming for more ginger ale and watching 30 Rock while drooling on myself. It was not a pretty sight.
ANYWAY. I am better now (although afraid to eat anything) and was thinking about a few things I would like to accomplish in 2012. Not resolutions, because I really think resolutions are stupid and easy to give up on, but more just things I want to do a better job of in the coming year.
And that's it. Three things.
Wish me luck today, if I puke after eating AGAIN I will kill myself.
xo d
I went to Asia for the first time on an incredible trip and came back a different person. I turned 30. I had a job opportunity literally fall into my lap that I couldn't pass up. I fell in love (VOMIT, I KNOW). And the thing is, I knew that big things would happen last year. I was optimistic. I was ready for what the world had to throw at me.
So forgive me if I'm not quite as jazzed as I was a year ago. While it is just a year, and in the scheme of things, that is not very long, I have sat the past few days feeling anxious as to how 2012 could possibly top 2011. Being a pessimistic, anxiety-ridden person by nature, I can't help it.
I also spent yesterday riddled with the stomach flu, throwing up everywhere while my terrified boyfriend moved from room to room to clean up after me. Then I shivered in bed for four hours, screaming for more ginger ale and watching 30 Rock while drooling on myself. It was not a pretty sight.
ANYWAY. I am better now (although afraid to eat anything) and was thinking about a few things I would like to accomplish in 2012. Not resolutions, because I really think resolutions are stupid and easy to give up on, but more just things I want to do a better job of in the coming year.
- Take better care of my bod. I'm no spring chicken anymore. I really want to take better care of myself and eat better and be more active and just overall watch the shit I put in my body. Wine notwithstanding. I want to be one of those assholes who only eats organic and drinks tea and tons of water and loves hiking. I hate hiking. While hiking is, in fact, walking, it is walking up hills (which are stupid) and there are bugs (which are SO stupid) and I hate that.
- Chill the fuck out. I have done a bit of work on this since my travels last year, but seriously, I need to relax. I'm sick of being tense and frustrated and pissed off. This mostly relates to driving. Anywhere. I am a very angry driver and I show up everywhere I go angry and cranky.
- Stop hating people. Seriously, I kind of hate other people. I need to stop that. It's negative and rude. I can't help it if people wear really weird shit or think some things are funny when they're not or are the guy that sits by me at work that ALWAYS INSERTS HIMSELF INTO EVERY CONVERSATION ALWAYS. WE'RE NOT TALKING TO YOU. STOP IT. I hate that guy. That needs to stop.
And that's it. Three things.
Wish me luck today, if I puke after eating AGAIN I will kill myself.
xo d
Thursday, December 22
In my extreme boredom at work this week, I figured I would wrap up my year on this here blog (if anyone even reads it anymore. hello?) with a series of completely unimportant wrap ups on 2011.
First things first - music. True to form, I was pretty obsessed with music this year. I saw a reasonable amount of live music (not including Outside Lands and Treasure Island) and psychotically listened to far more. So I am completely qualified to give you my top ten albums.
Kidding! I am hungover and starving. Add boredom to that mix and you get the following.
D's Top Ten Albums of 2011
10. Delicate Steve - Wondervisions
Some people (my bf) are obsessed with Delicate Steve. I like that Steve is a delicate man, and that he is confident in that fact. He sounds like Ratatat on prozac, so that's also pretty cool.
Furthermore, his videos are like this. What the hell is going on there, Steve.
9. Mr. Little Jeans - Rescue Song
My thing with Mr. Little Jeans started on a road trip to Tahoe Labor Day weekend. My girl Jeff made some CDs to make the ride more enjoyable and included Mr. Little Jeans' Rescue Song.
Throw in pretty great covers of Arcade Fire's Suburbs (one of my favorites off that album) and Single Ladies (like, as in Beyonce) and she edged her way into my regular playlist.
8. Foster the People - Torches
Like seemingly everyone else on earth, I was into Pumped Up Kicks until it was played to death by every damn radio station.
The rest of the album is good (and they're fun live), and even though Mark Foster is a little pompous (he talked about how he used to hang out with Rivers Cuomo, etc.), he is talented. And foxy.
I have a love-hate relationship with Lana del Rey. She used to be some random blond singer who got lip injections and an album deal and now is cool. I guess.
She's a total lunatic. But she's hot and while this isn't exactly an album per-say, it is still something that I cannot get out of my damn head. She says in interviews that she wants to be a ghetto Nancy Sinatra. A lyric in Blue Jeans says this bro is "sick as can-cancer".
Uh ok.
Also, here are the videos for Video Games and Blue Jeans. I can't decide if they're totally retarded or interesting. So there you go.
6. The Low Anthem - Smart Flesh
This one kind of sneaked up on me this year. I downloaded it off a friend and then added it to this playlist I make of newly added music. And every time I heard a song I really liked in the mish-mash of music, I realized it was theirs.
It's very listenable, good background putzing around my apartment music.
5. Cults - Cults
From start to finish, this is a great album.
Perfect girly party music, I listen mostly while I am getting ready to go out or any other time I want to feel like a hip, cool girly girl.
I am also a loser that writes lines like that one above and posts them on the internet. So who knows.
This is a great song.
4. Beirut - The Riptide
I am a huge Beirut groupie.
Have been for years. Saw them live twice this year AND, AND courtesy of my boyfriend's connections, was backstage at Outside Lands and sat next to them at dinner in the artists' dinner tent. No joke. I was gnawing on ham (seriously) and staring creepily at them.
Moving on.
While this album was maybe not as perfect as Beirut's first, it is still fantastic. The song Goshen in particular stole my heart. I mean, that voice. Swoon.
3. Adele - 21
Like every other human being with a vagina, I was pretty in love with this album. So much so, that I played it on goddamn repeat from it's release through June. And then I wanted to kill myself. And then I wanted to kill myself even more when every single song was (and is) played over and over and over again on the radio.
But it's still great.
2. Lykke Li - Wounded Rhymes
I played this entire album a lot a few months ago, and loved it all, but then the songs started to all sound like themselves and bugged. Then I saw her live about a month ago at The Fox in Oakland and fell in love all over again. I Follow Rivers is my fave on the album (and she's a total creep in the video!), although Get Some is naughty fun. I sing it to my boyfriend while sweeping the kitchen in my sweats from 7th grade. It is incredibly hot.
Anyway, she wears these like black weird expensive looking rag clothes on stage and my bff A and I really want to start dressing like that. If only we were famous and eccentric instead of poor and eccentric.
1. Bon Iver - Bon Iver
I really didn't want to like this album. For the first month I listened to it and was pissed off that it did not sound like the beloved For Emma, and wanted the sparse, emo sound back.
This album is still heartbreaking and haunting, like all Bon Iver, but a different kind of heartbreaking. And the song Perth might be one of the most perfect songs ever.
Honorable Mentions:
I really, REALLY wanted to include the following, but their albums were technically released in 2010. So I didn't. Because I am psychotic like that: The Naked and Famous - Passive Me, Aggressive You, The Head and the Heart- The Head and the Heart, Baths - Cerulean, Freelance Whales - Weathervanes
Also, these are great, but didn't make the cut: Alexander Ebert - Alexander, Braids - Native Speaker, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - Hysterical, Death Cab for Cutie - Codes and Keys, Explosions in the Sky - Take Care, Take Care, Take Care, Feist - Metals, Fleet Foxes - Helplessness Blues, Oh Land - Oh Land
First things first - music. True to form, I was pretty obsessed with music this year. I saw a reasonable amount of live music (not including Outside Lands and Treasure Island) and psychotically listened to far more. So I am completely qualified to give you my top ten albums.
Kidding! I am hungover and starving. Add boredom to that mix and you get the following.
D's Top Ten Albums of 2011
10. Delicate Steve - Wondervisions
Furthermore, his videos are like this. What the hell is going on there, Steve.
9. Mr. Little Jeans - Rescue Song
My thing with Mr. Little Jeans started on a road trip to Tahoe Labor Day weekend. My girl Jeff made some CDs to make the ride more enjoyable and included Mr. Little Jeans' Rescue Song.
Throw in pretty great covers of Arcade Fire's Suburbs (one of my favorites off that album) and Single Ladies (like, as in Beyonce) and she edged her way into my regular playlist.
8. Foster the People - Torches
Like seemingly everyone else on earth, I was into Pumped Up Kicks until it was played to death by every damn radio station.
The rest of the album is good (and they're fun live), and even though Mark Foster is a little pompous (he talked about how he used to hang out with Rivers Cuomo, etc.), he is talented. And foxy.
7. Lana del Rey - EP
She's a total lunatic. But she's hot and while this isn't exactly an album per-say, it is still something that I cannot get out of my damn head. She says in interviews that she wants to be a ghetto Nancy Sinatra. A lyric in Blue Jeans says this bro is "sick as can-cancer".
Uh ok.
Also, here are the videos for Video Games and Blue Jeans. I can't decide if they're totally retarded or interesting. So there you go.
6. The Low Anthem - Smart Flesh
It's very listenable, good background putzing around my apartment music.
5. Cults - Cults
Perfect girly party music, I listen mostly while I am getting ready to go out or any other time I want to feel like a hip, cool girly girl.
I am also a loser that writes lines like that one above and posts them on the internet. So who knows.
This is a great song.
4. Beirut - The Riptide
Have been for years. Saw them live twice this year AND, AND courtesy of my boyfriend's connections, was backstage at Outside Lands and sat next to them at dinner in the artists' dinner tent. No joke. I was gnawing on ham (seriously) and staring creepily at them.
Moving on.
While this album was maybe not as perfect as Beirut's first, it is still fantastic. The song Goshen in particular stole my heart. I mean, that voice. Swoon.
3. Adele - 21
But it's still great.
2. Lykke Li - Wounded Rhymes
Anyway, she wears these like black weird expensive looking rag clothes on stage and my bff A and I really want to start dressing like that. If only we were famous and eccentric instead of poor and eccentric.
1. Bon Iver - Bon Iver
This album is still heartbreaking and haunting, like all Bon Iver, but a different kind of heartbreaking. And the song Perth might be one of the most perfect songs ever.
Honorable Mentions:
I really, REALLY wanted to include the following, but their albums were technically released in 2010. So I didn't. Because I am psychotic like that: The Naked and Famous - Passive Me, Aggressive You, The Head and the Heart- The Head and the Heart, Baths - Cerulean, Freelance Whales - Weathervanes
Also, these are great, but didn't make the cut: Alexander Ebert - Alexander, Braids - Native Speaker, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - Hysterical, Death Cab for Cutie - Codes and Keys, Explosions in the Sky - Take Care, Take Care, Take Care, Feist - Metals, Fleet Foxes - Helplessness Blues, Oh Land - Oh Land
Wednesday, November 30
- Pitching a royal shit fit because you have a death cold and you worthless boyfriend won't stop playing Skyrim long enough to PAY ATTENTION TO YOU for FIVE MINUTES
- Having a boyfriend that plays Skyrim
- Shopping at Forever 21
- Purchasing printed tights at said store that I will not mention again because you saw them on Gossip Girl
- Watching Gossip Girl
- Really loving the box of wine you purchased (four bottles to a box!), realizing how much money you're saving in alcoholic-land
- Wearing glitter covered flats...with a cape
- Using your iPad's iBooks as a sneaky way to read trashy or age-inappropriate novels (e.g. RL Stine and Jacqueline Susann)
- Getting real excited, despite the death cold that will not go away, for this weekend's bachelorette festivities for the BFF
...appropriate for a 30 year old:
- Being so happy that this particular bachelorette weekend is not in Vegas
- Waddling your perpetual legging-wearing, sniffly, wine soaked ass around Napa instead
Can't wait.
xo d
Thursday, November 10
"I used to feel so alone in the city. All those gazillions of people and then me, on the outside. Because how do you meet a new person? I was stunned by this for many years. And then I realized, you just say, 'Hi.' They may ignore you. Or you may marry them. And that possibility is worth that one word."
- Augusten Burroughs
shamelessly lifted from this lovely lady's blog
- Augusten Burroughs
shamelessly lifted from this lovely lady's blog
Tuesday, November 8
One of the joys of having a steady boyfriend that will have sex with you often (what, Trainwreck sometimes (always) turned me down...now we all question his sexuality. He also goes to gay bars by choice because they're "more fun". Another topic for another post, yes?) is that you get the all clear to stop using condoms and get on the pill.
Side note: I am one of those completely fucking annoying people who are pretty ridiculous about condom use with few exceptions (like this total serial killer lawyer I dated a few years ago during my destructo phase). So, yes, for six months plus, we used condoms because I wouldn't get my lazy ass to the doctor.
Finally, I made a bunch of doctor's appointments, one of which cleared me of cancer, the other of which I went to the girl doctor and she looked at my lady parts and cleared me of STDs (woot) and gave me a prescript for the pill. I had used Yaz before and it didn't make me too obese or insane unlike the following:
So I tell her I like Yaz and she writes me up and sends me on my way. And I go to Walgreens and get that shit filled and because the Walgreens in my 'hood is incredibly ghetto (despite being brand new, wtf), they give me the generic version. Something called Gianvi.
Behold:
So I looked it up on the Internet and besides it sounding like some fun, Italian liqueur, it is really a horrific death pill according to the forum on WebMD. And despite the warning from one woman that she blames her divorce on this pill (uh, wow), I popped pill after pill because I needed to be a normal adult in a committed relationship on birth control.
A month and a half later? My relationship has suffered. My choice of insane communication? IM and text message. For some reason, I am completely rational when we are at home in front of each other, or on the phone, but via IM and/or text message (sometimes in conjunction), I am a raving, insecure, emotional lunatic.
I cry. Like, a lot. A lot more than usual. I have accused him of cheating on me because he was going out to lunch with co-workers (all male, but my krazy-brain thought that was code for meeting a woman for some clandestine lunch, I don't even know why I am putting this on the Internet, it's mortifying). I have irrationally yelled in all caps that I don't feel appreciated even though the day prior, he had left his poker tournament early to pick me up from the airport and brought me the dinner I had specifically asked for (because I am an asshole). There are like twenty zillion other things I have "said" (all passive aggressively via G chat, don't worry about it) that I could list here, but basically, the gist is that I am losing my mind.
So I need to see if 1) Walgreens will stop being fucking ghetto and will fill my prescription with the real Yaz or 2) I need to switch (terrifying) to something else. Like Mirena, I have really been thinking about that IUD miracle lately.
Thoughts? Did Gianvi cause any of your divorces? Do you yell at your significant other via IM? AM I CRAZY? (yes)
xo d
Side note: I am one of those completely fucking annoying people who are pretty ridiculous about condom use with few exceptions (like this total serial killer lawyer I dated a few years ago during my destructo phase). So, yes, for six months plus, we used condoms because I wouldn't get my lazy ass to the doctor.
Finally, I made a bunch of doctor's appointments, one of which cleared me of cancer, the other of which I went to the girl doctor and she looked at my lady parts and cleared me of STDs (woot) and gave me a prescript for the pill. I had used Yaz before and it didn't make me too obese or insane unlike the following:
- Ortho Tri Cyclen - I threw a chair at a person. That's pretty much never ok.
- Nuva Ring - aka, the death ring. First of all, I use tampons with applicators, thank you very much. I don't really want to be sticking my hand up there to insert this ring of death, nor do I want to go on the fucking exploratory mission to get that shit back out. Second of all, I broke out in full body acne (like, even on the tops of my feet) and sobbed for two months at work.
So I tell her I like Yaz and she writes me up and sends me on my way. And I go to Walgreens and get that shit filled and because the Walgreens in my 'hood is incredibly ghetto (despite being brand new, wtf), they give me the generic version. Something called Gianvi.
Behold:
A month and a half later? My relationship has suffered. My choice of insane communication? IM and text message. For some reason, I am completely rational when we are at home in front of each other, or on the phone, but via IM and/or text message (sometimes in conjunction), I am a raving, insecure, emotional lunatic.
I cry. Like, a lot. A lot more than usual. I have accused him of cheating on me because he was going out to lunch with co-workers (all male, but my krazy-brain thought that was code for meeting a woman for some clandestine lunch, I don't even know why I am putting this on the Internet, it's mortifying). I have irrationally yelled in all caps that I don't feel appreciated even though the day prior, he had left his poker tournament early to pick me up from the airport and brought me the dinner I had specifically asked for (because I am an asshole). There are like twenty zillion other things I have "said" (all passive aggressively via G chat, don't worry about it) that I could list here, but basically, the gist is that I am losing my mind.
So I need to see if 1) Walgreens will stop being fucking ghetto and will fill my prescription with the real Yaz or 2) I need to switch (terrifying) to something else. Like Mirena, I have really been thinking about that IUD miracle lately.
Thoughts? Did Gianvi cause any of your divorces? Do you yell at your significant other via IM? AM I CRAZY? (yes)
xo d